Looking at it All

page TWENTY THREE, Sayadaw discusses how important the understanding of various types of consciousnesses can be, and lists them, from the Satipattana Sutta, those associated with and without lust and hatred, delusion, those that are tired and agitated.  On the psychiatric unit in therapy group, we start with sharing about the body, and then emotions and share the connections.

It all sheds light on the subject, which is a challenge worth taking; some of it is practice, some of it is support, some of it is effort, and some of it is letting go.   I paste an article I wrote today for the paper:

Faith’s Bright Light

I work on a psychiatric unit in New Jersey, primarily with lower-income patients of various backgrounds. We use a ‘Wellness Recovery Action Plan’; a binder that each patient can take home that helps people with bipolar disorder, depression and other mental health problems to learn new coping skills. The Spirituality section is quite short; it only asks “How do you define spirituality for yourself?” and “List some action steps:”

In our morning Goals group, one young lady recently smiled as she stated she began church again after a long absence.  Another said to her “Yes, all you have to do is get back in the door and leave the devil behind.” From across the table someone else offered “Oh but the devil is inside the building too.” 

These are challenging conversations for a social worker, not only in finding a way for everyone to express a personal matter, but in working with my own feelings as well.  Mostly I try to learn from others and keep my beliefs out of it, but I am comfortable sharing some generalities. 

A few ‘truisms’ I have discovered are that most people have some sort of spiritual view and get something positive when they practice it; most people at one time or another have difficulty practicing it; and returning to spiritual practice is even more difficult when there are blocks to self-acceptance. 

Sometimes when introducing the topic I ask if spiritual practice is challenging because it ‘shines a light’ on every part of us.  Most people agree, and this question can lead to a discussion about acceptance.  Why is it, when our faith practices offer unconditional acceptance (I could offer quotes from every faith here) that we have difficulty ‘walking back through the door’ to pray, meditate, or listen?

Mark Twain once said “But who prays for Satan,. . he being among sinners the supremest?” That may be the crux of our struggle with spirituality, the acceptance of the way we are, the way things are.  And self-acceptance is not resignation; it’s a way to truly begin knowing and seeing what we are so that we can grow.  I sometimes hold up a crumpled piece of paper and suggest, “If we want to become well, let’s say like a smooth sheet of paper, how to do it?”  The answer of course is to work with the folds and crinkles that we are made of now.

Rumi writes: “This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.”

Sometimes work on the unit is like Rumi’s guest house, crowded with unrestrained emotion. Group therapy is the most difficult group for me; it's just a big circle where we share feelings. Part of my work is ‘getting out of the way’, allowing for the expression of pain without over-managing it, and part of it is allowing my own ‘guest house’ to be visited and cleared out. Today I let the group wait in silence while a member danced around her true feelings.  I felt everyone’s discomfort and desire to move on.  And then she told us that today was the anniversary of a family suicide she discovered.

Now the group and I had some serious pain on the table in front of us.  The speaker offered a number of practical ways for dealing with the anniversary. I remembered another quote from Rumi, “Keep looking at the bandaged place, that’s where the light enters you.”  I waited with my own discomfort and looking at her moist eyes asked her to express her feelings. Waves of tears and anger followed.  This particular group is encouraged NOT to run in with tissues and hugs, and they didn't. They waited, practicing patience and acceptance of their own feelings.  In the end, she was able to take the support of the group home with her to visit the graveside.

I sat in meditation all day Saturday at the Makefield Meeting house with our Buddhist group. It was terribly hot, and my knees hurt.  My mind was like a bad movie. But we sit all day for the same reason we don’t rush in with tissues at the first teardrop, for the same reason we don’t lock the door on a grumpy friend. At the end of the day we showed the same respect for our insights, our sorrows and our joys, we shared them and did not force them to stay or go before their time, because they are visitors also.

Faith 'shines a light' on every part of us, light and dark - our generosity and kindness, selfishness and jealousy, anger and joy. It is a challenge to take in all states as equally and fully human, find some thread of compassion in our own fathom-long body for our own bursting heart and even for the devil beside us. It's a journey with unexpected twists and turns.

On the ride home, I was wishing for my sunglasses, it was so bright outside. But truth be told, it was bright inside, too.