Beginning Again

Last week, I found myself eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich during the only half hour I had to sit down at the psychiatric day program.  We've been two-fifths short-staffed, with one person on vacation and a new hire starting (after three months of searching) at last in July.

It was delicious. My beautiful wife had packed it in a small Starbucks bag with barbecue chips, a diet coke, and an apple.

Three years ago, we were on our way back from a week at her friend's cabin in Nova Scotia, listening to Ajahn Succito's penetrating wit urging us to explore the body when we'd stopped for ice cream.  As the fat chocolate pressed into my face I practiced noticing, being mindful. I made a decision to let go of the pleasure, and felt the taste of something else entirely.


At my sandwich, I let go of the quiet refreshment of this very delicious, stable and particularly non-psychiatric taste.  It is so difficult to be close to a carousel without getting on, and this was an attractive one. Noticing flavor, peace, a break, and the habit of the mind to find the most favored horse and jump on, again and again, I stayed put, and my attention began to separate from the pleasure.  As years before, a new taste, a taste of the way things are, better than anything derived from the senses.  And suddenly, another habit fills the new space, an hallucinogenic sandwich, fifty-foot tall firm white oat bread dripping with smoky peanut butter and living apricot jam. Letting go again, and I am standing outside, watching the horses go round, knowing that which the mind cannot believe until it is standing still.

I'd read through Pa-Auk Sayadaw's Knowing and Seeing  http://www.dhammadownload.com/Audio-Library/Pa-Auk/PDF/knowing_and_seeing_rev_ed.pdf  a few times before.  It is his talks from a meditation retreat in Taiwan ten years ago. It reads like a book of spells, which might be why I like it.  Printing and holding chapters like "How you develop the sublime abidings" and "How to develop the insight knowledges to see Nibbana" gives me a sparkling restlessness toward something liberating.  On the other hand, sitting for days or weeks in front of a colored disk, bringing that spot of concentration through the levels of Jhana up to the 'totality of blue' sounds like very hard work.  Not sure that will happen, but with my current daily practice, some extended retreat coming up, I'm confident that I will put in effort and peel back at least one thick eyelid.

Having a daily goal works well for me, and so I've set myself the task to read a page a day, more or less. The book is 347 pages and so tomorrow I start with page one.  I'll post my experiences and thoughts each day, each page.